Emotions

Here’s my question ….

Why? Why when something goes wrong on the farm, of which I have no control, am I so ashamed? Hurt, I can understand. Frustration. Absolutely.

Sadness. Sorrow. Anger. Helplessness.

I understand all those feelings.

But shame?

I do not understand.

Hail is probably the most ‘shameful’. I keep it to myself, a secret, not wanting anyone to know that the farm has been clobbered and destroyed by hail.

Seventeen inches of rain in nine days? No sunshine for two weeks? Fields and crops destroyed. Sick and suffering plants. Roots with no soil.

Gullies. Rivulets. Erosion.

Standing water. And mud. Mud everywhere.

The sadness, sorrow, and helplessness are there. But not the intense shame. Rain is easier to talk about, discuss, complain to others.

Hail is internal. Balled up. Kept inside like a dark, deeply guarded secret.

But I’m not sure if 17 inches of rain is any less devastating than hail. Will the crops recover? WHEN will the crops recover?

And more mud.

While I ponder these negative emotions, our crew tackled the weeding in muddy fields with laughter and joy.

Now I’m filled with new emotions … Pride… Of each dedicated young woman. Appreciation… They rescued the green beans and baby carrots.

Humbleness… Gratitude… Thankfulness.